Sometimes you just have to turn and give two fingers to things like slippery slopes. Sometimes you just have to live.
Last night I lay in bed and listened to loud rock music on my iPod. It’s been so long since I did that! I had to laugh at myself, because about three times during every song I had to take the earphones out and listen intently to make sure Felix wasn’t crying. He wasn’t, of course. Maybe it’s my upbringing, with a mother who was very hard of hearing. Maybe its the fact Guy can sleep like a log up in the loft and be dead to all sounds below. But I have a terrible horror of Felix crying and me not hearing him. That’s why he slept in the same room as me until about 8 or 9 months old. I just wanted to be there for him. To hear him.
I thought when I became a mother, my heart would shrink and I would become more selfish, more involved in just my own. Its the opposite – I find my heart expands to encompass so much more. I can love so much more deeply, so much more unconditionally. What a wonderful side effect of being a mum! No-one told me about this. They never tell you the good stuff, perhaps waiting for you to discover it for yourself. Like not wanting to spoil the surprise…
Oh, it was a funny feeling
To be wanted
So, it was a funny feeling
We only ever notice
We only ever notice
When it seems like all is lost
You know it meant nothing to you
Remember the good times
Remember me sleeping by your side
Remember the feeling
That you were safe in my arms
I still see suns in you
My suns and suns in your eyes
This love’s not over
This love’s not over
Atonement, Bloc Party
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