Some days are easier than others

I have no idea how I managed to write so much last time I posted. I’m back to my usual speed of typing today, and don’t feel that the usb cable is plugged straight into my brain. I think I’m probably just too tired to post all the little things that are going on, some good, some bad. I probably have just enough energy to make a list:

Good stuff:
Someone I know has just had a baby, K&C’s eldest. I know him and his wife well enough to send them some ‘hurrah! you’ve had a baby!’ gear, and yet somehow not well enough to refer to them as friends. They are kind of friends. They would be friends if we lived closer. Or that’s what I tell myself.
(On a side note, it is terribly unfair that I don’t particularly fancy any of K&C’s sons, I could be married with 5 kids by now if so. I always envy people who marry someone they’ve known their whole life. Must be so familiar and comfy.)
I got some good bargains for my delicious small dude at the bootsale today.
I have hopefully bought a cut price bell tent from the netherlands, but we’ll see if they will agree to sell to me when they notice my order on Monday. Fingers crossed. If it arrives okay I am going to be mega excited!

Bad stuff:

The friend. Obviously. How can he claim I am his best friend? How does he think that? He plays games and then pretends not to, pretends even to himself. I think now he’s playing the ‘I’m going to punish you for having a family and being even vaguely happy at times by not writing back to you and being totally fake if/when I do” game. Not an unknown game, I think. He played it when I got back with R in 2006. I still don’t understand why some people get under your skin and others don’t. It’s not enough to see what buttons they are pressing and why. It still keeps happening. I don’t really know how to move on, I’ve known him in one capacity or other since around 2001. How do I function without being pissed off at him, laughing with him, the roller coaster of emotions that knowing him is, the sheer voyeurism that knowing him and his crazy life has become? What do you do if… you don’t like the person you have become when around a particular person, but you don’t know how to cut that person out of your life, don’t even WANT to? What if you know someone is a bad influence but you are hooked on knowing them, even if they let you down, make you angry, make you cry. It’s not like he’s THAT funny or entertaining when he’s manic. He’ s really not, I hate it when he’s high. I like the normal him but that person seems to be becoming a bitter, cynical and shallow man, someone I simply can’t admire. There is nothing left to like about him and yet… I’m still here. I still wonder if he will write back to me, I still wonder what he’s up to or what he would think of my son if he could meet him. Every communication from him results in a wash of negative emotion, so why do I go on with it all?
It doesn’t say very good things about my self esteem, that I’m up for that. Either there is a payoff for me that I can’t see, or I have low, low standards when it comes to friends. I don’t feel like I have. Maybe even too high standards, why I can’t be bothered to let many people in even though I like to have some friends. I just seem to have low standards when it comes to him. Me and my bloody white knight syndrome. Hey, if there are any counsellors or psychotherapists reading, do you fancy cutting me a deal for free extensive therapy in exchange for… me being your test subject?

That’s just wrong on so many levels.

I miss the girl I used to be. I liked her. Where did she go?

She used to take photos in bathrooms