Lost in Thought

Okay… So although my mum may have looked at my blog, it seems she is not what you would call a regular reader. That’s alright then. *scowls* Which brings us to:

Latest news!
My bell tent arrived, I originally took a gamble and ordered from a company called Obelink based in the Netherlands, they are selling the Sahara 400 Bell Tent which is just the same as on belltent.co.uk – without the horrendous markup, of course! About £100 cheaper from Obelink. Many people from the UK have successfully bought from them, if you look on camping forums. But they officially have an agreement with the belltent.co.uk people not to supply to the UK. They also say they don’t sell here – yet others have had no problems in ordering. I thought it was worth a go. Sadly, they refunded my order without a word, minus £10. Surely the euro-pound exchange rate couldn’t have fluctuated that much in ONE DAY? Anyway, I let it go, because I was still hopeful and I didn’t want to rock the boat!
After a few weeks of searching, I found out that Obelink also sell on ebay – German eBay. Under the guise of ‘onlinezeltshop’. And they do most definitely ship to the UK, at least in that channel. So I ordered one, and it arrived about 4 days later! I was able to track it all the way. Very happy bunny Guy got all jealous and bought one too. *rolls eyes* Although his will not look as groovy as mine, with its many rugs, mats, sheepskins and grooviness going on inside. I will have peebles in his travel cot to contend with, got to rig up some way of him having a separate sleeping area which is dark and peaceful. Hmm. There is no way I am buying an inner tent from the belltent.co.uk people, they are greedy so they are not getting my money. £100 mark up! Pffft.

All this is in aid of the camp at the end of May. Must get our tickets soon – I can’t wait!

Hmm, other news… not much. Or, not much I can talk about. Relationship stuff, sad. Job and future plans stuff, happy. But all somehow… too private to put on here.
Which is ironic because a couple of actual regular readers on here (Rob, Catherine ) would totally sympathize and be all lovely about everything. I could probably use the support. I have virtually no friends around me here, but am probably more peaceful and yet quietly dissatisfied with this than at any point in my life. Okay, that doesn’t make sense really, does it? What I mean is, I accept it and I know I am unlikely to change loads: I will always walk my own path, to some extent, need lots of time alone, get shy in social situations. So, I accept myself. But it makes me sad, because I know there are some smaller ways in which things could be different but I am not ready to reach out for those changes yet. I am still biding my time.

I think for the first few years of having a child, most women go really into themselves, they retreat into milk and sick and nappies and singsong rhymes and chubby wrists. Then sometime in the 2nd year, they emerge again and become real. I am emerging. I can feel it and I’m glad, it feels good to be back. But I am a little wistful already for the baby days. Even though pregnancy and birth hormones messed with my head and I felt very unhappy a lot of the time. I have good memories.

I feel like this sometimes, and I wait for it to pass; Homesick for experiences I haven’t had yet, people I have not yet met. For hugs and kisses and conversations and places and smells and sights. I’m greedy, I want it all. I want to take the world and wrap it up in my arms, hold on to it and never let any of it go.
And I still remember when I hit my head, and I didn’t want to wake up. I am so in love with life and so hungry for and impatient of life, and also I know that everything passes and we are just fragile, silly muppets trekking about uselessly on the surface of a planet that is much bigger and wiser than us, thinking that we are going to make a difference. Both are true.
This sounds really silly and too out there but… I just want to make love with someone again. I want to believe that it will still happen for me, that that side of my life is not over. That I will love again. I wish I felt sure of it. I guess you can never be sure.