Lost in Thought

I’m starting to realize that I’m always going to worry about everything. Things are looking up, stress is easing marginally, and nothing has yet cropped up that shouts “I’m going to shit on your parade!” in big triumphant letters.

Yet I still worry. I’m reminded now of the David Sedaris reading on Radio 4 recently, about all the petty squabbles he has with Hugh his partner, but how he needs him really and would be lost without him. Now, I know David was writing a lot of that in a different country to his own, but still there are many similarities. Like, staying unmoving in bed, pretending to be out and afraid to make a noise after declining an invitation to the party in the flat below? That’s something I would do! I sometimes wonder if there are only two groups of people in the world. Those who are making it, and those who are faking it successfully. I think I’m starting to become comfortable being in the second group. I have no idea how normal my thoughts are, but I don’t really care anymore.
I think about my new place and all I can wonder is, what if I don’t know how to work the central heating? Will I look stupid asking the letting agent? It it something people should just know, once they are grown up? What if I can’t make it feel like home? How long does a place have to feel like staying in a strangers house while they are on holiday before it starts to feel routine and familiar? Am I really that scared of everything?

Yes, yes I am. I’m terrified. But I’m not fighting it anymore. Okay, so I’m scared. So what? I feel like a little kid in an adults body who has been tricked into a situation where the only accepted responses are adult ones. Well, never mind. I’ll just muddle through, and have a knot in my stomach that I won’t notice disappear. And one day it will be all right, and I’ll look back and say that wasn’t so bad. What was all the fuss about? I don’t know what I was so afraid of.
When really I know I’ll always be like this. Faking a lack of fear, thinking too much, worrying about what might happen. That’s just me, I suppose.