… that I could stop being so afraid of everything. It’s like a disease. I just want to turn my brain off. Then maybe my stomach would stop churning, my appetite would come back, I would stop feeling so tense and hunched and stressed.
I have the keys to my new place, and I am moving stuff in. I will properly be living there with the small dude after we all come back from the camp in early June. Yay. But, the headaches I am having to sort out, are just so HARD. And the annoying this is, they are really not! The fridge I bought for £35 at the bootsale won’t work? Never mind! I will phone the number the man gave me, and if that doesn’t work or he won’t sort it, I will buy another one from the paper and persuade my reluctant snarling angry ex partner to collect it with me in his car. Simples. But I have no room for extra unexpected stress: I have budgeted how much of me there is to last until the release of the camp, and there is no leeway for stuff like this. The gas engineer who came to do the gas safety certificate accidentally cracked the loose slate tile in the kitchen and I didn’t find out til later. He probably didn’t even realize. And… it makes me want to dissolve into hysterical sobbing instead of shrugging and mentioning it the next time I phone the letting agent. And I DO do the normal things, outwardly. I do shrug, and mention it to them. But inside I am convinced they think I am a bad tenant, and are wishing they had picked someone else, and I’m scared of having to find another home, because I don’t know if I can do all this again in 6 months time. And lots and lots of little things like that keep happening, and I understand that it’s called life.
But I know it will be okay in the end. I know this because I saw my future self and spoke with her, a few weeks ago. She leaned in the car window while I was singing along to Tangerine by Led Zeppelin. I asked her if it would be alright, if I was doing the right thing. And she smiled and told me it would be the best thing I would ever do, and I would wish I had done it years ago.
No Comments